Teenagers don’t happen overnight. They are carefully crafted from birth. They are nature’s secret weapons against adult complacency and acceptance. The researchers believe that if Darwin had weighed in on teenagers, he would have said they are designed to finely hone our instincts and keep us constantly on guard against peril and hazard. In short, they keep the parent on top of their parenting game.
To stay ahead of the mighty teenaged animal, our parental reflexes have to be lightning-quick and ready for action. Some psychologists say that teens are just “testing limits” and “trying to discover themselves” but we know better, don’t we? We have attempted to research the teenaged daughter and will now share our findings with you, the parent.
We have determined the teen daughter is there to test the parent’s willingness to survive, their ability to be as wily as their teenaged predators. Is the teen really going to a friend’s house to study? Does she actually know how to say no to peer pressure? Why, God, why can’t she just clean her room when the parent asks?
Let’s proceed with the popular theory that teens are exploring their identity. To truly understand the teen, we have to study them in their natural environment. What’s more natural for the teen animal than to engage in dating behaviours with other teen animals?
The Parent and Teenaged Daughter are Different Species
As the parent, it is your wish to preserve our teen. You want to protect them from the whims and wiles of the outside world. Your teen usually has different ideas about how this works and what better way to explore her “I AM-ness” than through interacting with the opposite sex – or same sex, whatever works.
First, let’s examine the expectations for the average dating scenario envisioned by the parent, the teenaged girl, and the reality of the situation.
You’ll observe that each scenario yields dramatically different outcomes; this break from reality the teenaged daughter experiences can be medically explained as a temporary psychosis. This makes them prone to bizarre ideas about how the parent is “old” and “out of touch” with how teens relate to one another.
Let’s delve deeper into this phenomena so that we, the researchers, may develop a strategy for managing the teenager’s attempt at mating rituals.
Talking to Your Teenaged Daughter About Social Behaviours
The teenaged daughter is a cagey mammal and has certain feelings about speaking to parental figures about peer-interactions that occur in the wild (also known as “high school”). It is at this point you will see your teen’s social grouping preferences shift towards unrelated herd members of a similar age. They will call these creatures “friends” and insist that they “understand” the teen in a way you, the parent, does not.
The female teen will avoid deviating from their quantifiable norm and be seen making observations like this one: “Why does Becky get to stay out until midnight and I can’t?” As the parent, it is your responsibility to share your wisdom about “the way the world works” and assist them with adjusting to greater responsibility in the animal kingdom.
The parent will be firmly rebuffed by the female teen with such comments as “You don’t know anything”, “Whatever”, and “You don’t get it”. You will notice an increase in agitation in the teen daughter when you speak specifically about the teenaged boy species. The researchers observed the following additions to the conversation: “Ew”, “Gross”, and “I’m not talking to you about this”.
Here is an example of how such an interaction may be theoretically viewed by both the parent and the teenaged daughter:
When wanting to engage in a meaningful dialogue with the teenaged daughter, it’s best to persuade the animal that the conversation was her idea. Unfortunately the researchers have been unable to compile enough data on this subject to provide clear direction to the parent. All findings to date have been contradictory and irrational. The researchers will attempt further study.
Parental Attempts at Supervision Will Fail
You, as the parent, know that it is important to be mindful of the whereabouts of your female teen. The researchers have found that their migratory patterns are often erratic and difficult to track. Also, the teenaged daughter can become belligerent when they develop an awareness of your close observation.
Since they do not wish to be surveilled, they will go to extreme lengths to develop the necessary camouflage to avoid detection. For example, the researchers recruited parents to use the “FindmyFriends” app available on Apple and Android Smartphones. It electronically pings your teenaged daughter’s phone and gives you a GPS location on Google maps when you access the app. The parent believed this was perfect and introduced it as a “rule” for the teenaged daughter to follow.
The parent informed the teenaged animal that she is to download the app and keep the phone with her at all times. But the teenaged daughter is a canny creature and will not be thwarted by the parent’s fumbling attempts at supervision. Behold the expectations of the parent, teenager, and reality.
Tragically for the researchers, we were not aware that technology can be fooled as well. Due to the teen’s suspicions that the parent has Orwellian intentions to monitor them, she devised a means of fooling the app into “finding” her tablet instead of her phone. The teen daughter was then free to leave the tablet at her herd member’s home (also known as “BFF” in teen parlance) and depart to a party with her phone. This experiment was deemed a failure.
Conclusions on the Teenaged Daughter
Unfortunately, this study was unable to contribute meaningfully to the scholarly knowledge about the teenaged daughter. She remains an elusive creature, highly intelligent and adaptable to changing environments. They remain resistant to traditional scientific methods of inquiry and may require a more creative approach to study more fully. The researchers will continue to follow up on this line of investigation and report findings as they emerge.
|Lindsey is a freelance writer and professional stick figure drawer who enjoys helping people learn about life and money. She blogs at Cents, Sense & Sensibility and wants to be a full time traveler when she grows up. She lives in Airdrie, Alberta with her husband, daughter and wiener dog and does whatever she can to avoid Canadian winters. Connect with Lindsey on Twitter, Facebook and Google+.|