Maine has a special message for anyone who has been struggling with feelings of abandonment and explains how it affected her relationships. If you’re struggling with feelings of abandonment, I hope her story will help you take the first step toward healing and saying good bye to unhealthy relationships and hello to new, healthy, loving ones.
Take it away Maine!
Having been left by a number of boyfriends for another woman, you can say that I know abandonment by heart. A healthy dose of it lived with me for a long time. Yes, it was supposed to keep me safe from heartbreak but the opposite happened: It made my relationships all kinds of unhealthy, leading to more heartbreak than I ever thought possible.
How Abandonment Issues Affected Me and My Relationships
I was perceived as too reserved.
Because being social has become one of my pet peeves, guys around think I’m too shy or in worse cases, a prude. This immediately builds an invisible wall between me and them, making finding “The One” more challenging than it should actually be.
I became too defensive.
I’ve displayed a guarded front more often than necessary because of the screwed up notion that if I let my guard down, I’ll end up being taken advantaged of. It made dating impossible, since I wasn’t that willing to be engaged even in a simple conversation with a guy.
It made me too picky.
I easily dismissed guys when I spot some troubling signs that say “He’ll leave me for another girl”. Because I don’t give them and myself enough chance to get to know each other well, I end up more alone (and feeling rejected) than ever.
I focused on the flaws.
Instead of looking for what could be right in a guy, I focused on what could be wrong about him. I even wait for him to make a mistake so I could give myself a reason to leave him, even before he gets the chance to make things right, which is not really how relationships are supposed to work, right?
I feared commitment.
I had the tendency to go MIA when things start to get serious not because there’s something wrong with the guy but because I intentionally sabotage the chance of real romance happening. The fear of being left after I’ve invested myself in the relationship is to blame.I've overcome neglect and deprivation, abandonment and abuse. Tatum O'Neal #quoteClick To Tweet
I became too paranoid.
In rare chances that I ended up being with a new boyfriend, I became absurdly paranoid, to the point of being mistaken as a crazy girlfriend. I couldn’t blame him at that time though; for how would you describe someone who’s all over you every waking hour just because she fears another woman will call your attention and that you’ll leave because of her?
And ended up being overly attached.
Nobody wants a clingy girlfriend but despite this general truth, I’ve obsessed about the guys I’ve been with in the past in an inexcusable way. It left them feeling suffocated and eventually drove them away, making my abandonment issues stronger than before.
There’s the tendency to over think and overreact.
Because he didn’t answer his phone after I attempted to reach him ten times, my brain immediately thought that he’s with another woman and that it was over between us when the truth is he was just slammed at work.
It turned me to a people-pleaser (or boyfriend-pleaser, for that matter).
Different guys are attracted to different things in a woman. To make sure I have everything the guy I want is looking for, I forced myself to become who he wants, thinking if I do, I’ll keep him bound under my spell for as long as I want.
It made me stay in toxic relationships.
Under no circumstances should we stay in an unhappy relationship but I did, all because I didn’t want to go through the whole trouble of getting to know someone new and dating him, only to be left again for another woman. It nearly destroyed me but I realized over time that genuine happiness is all about letting go of all my fears and loving with reckless abandon. Only then did I find the courage to cut ties with anything toxic for me and to welcome the possibilities of life and the dating game.
I had a distorted view of relationships.
I didn’t have any clue whether I’m in a healthy or unhealthy one because no matter what the case is, I stick to the guy for fear that if I let him leave me, nobody else will take the time to even notice me, let alone get to know me and love me for who I am. It sucked pretty bad, but it made me the strong woman I am today.
Abandonment issues can make or break you. If you struggle with this, know that there’s a way out of it. Don’t be afraid to confide to family or a trusted friend and seek professional help before it gets out of control. In time, you’ll heal and be on your way to seeking healthy relationships until you find “The One.”
If you’re struggling with abandonment issues, I really hope Maine’s story encouraged you to take the step to getting to the root cause of those issues and start the healing process. And if you know anyone who is struggling with this, please share Maine’s post with them.