I was reading an article the other day about a woman who found her husband surfing porn on the web. When confronted about it, he promised to stop. She felt this was a huge betrayal because (1) he was sneaking it and (2) she didn’t understand why he looked at porn while he was married to her. Trusting that he would never do it again, months went by, and all appeared to be alright. For whatever reason one day, she hopped onto his laptop and decided to look at the History. What she saw, devastated her. Apparently, he continued to look at porn on his computer despite him promising to stop.
The trust was gone
Devastated by what she found, she struggled with how to confront him. Should she just come out and ask why he continued to look although he promised to stop? Should she just end the marriage and dissolve the relationship? Was there hope that even though he broke her trust, could she still love him?
The readers weighed in
Numerous comments poured in:
- He’ll never give up the porn, get rid of him.
- He’ll never change, divorce him and take all he has.
- How dare he look at porn and lie about it.
- He lied once, he’ll do it again.
- All men look at porn. Get used to it.
- Get him back by looking at porn yourself.
- Divorce him!
I was sad to see so many comments about getting rid of him and/or divorcing him. Was this simple betrayal of trust enough to end a marriage of 15 years? Did the betrayal erase all the love and memories that had together in just a blink of an eye? Could she learn to trust him again if she stayed with him?
I’ve been there
I have experienced betrayal in the worse way, Infidelity. However, the length of my marriage and also my devout disbelief in divorce led me on the soul searching of a lifetime. After a mutual agree to try and salvage what was left and rebuild anew, I searched for ways to rebuild trust in my partner.
It wasn’t easy. I knew it was going to be one of the most difficult things I would have to do in my life. Not only would I have to forgive him, but I would have to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him re-earn my trust.
It takes time, a lot of patience, and meds
Alright, maybe not the meds for some but it does take time, a lot of patience, an open mind, and a loving heart. It can be done. I have proven that myself.
- You must Forgive. If you cannot Forgive, it is useless as you will always harbor resentment. Remember: I said Forgive, Not Forget.
- Take time to grief your betrayal. Grieve it. Talk about it. Don’t be ashamed. Write about it. Let It Go.
- Don’t continue to bring up the incident. Be sure to talk about with your partner while it is fresh in your mind.
- Make sure you have all the answers to whatever questions you may have, and then Let It Go.
- Take baby steps and begin to date your partner again. Spend special time together rebuilding your love. You need to find why you feel in love with this person in the first place. Build On That.
- Don’t Snoop. Don’t Nag. Just Love.
- Take “Me-Time” to evaluate where you are in the process of trusting your partner.
- Let him earn your trust. Remember, he know what he did and may be beating himself up inside.
- Fall in love again.
There are many steps you can take in between but this must be up to the individual. Bottom line, if both of you want to rebuild your relationship, it must be a mutual decision as both of you need to work on it.
It takes time
It’s almost two years after the biggest betrayal in my life. I have learned to trust him again, as much as I can trust anyone. Our relationship, although not the same as before, has taken on a new life. I believe he is sorry in his own way. I believe he knows what it took for me to overcome the betrayal and be able to move on with our relationship.
Have we healed?
I’m not 100% healed, but I am in recovery. Our marriage is growing and strengthening. It was almost as if we found our friendship again, have an understanding of the damage that was done, and appreciate the chance to try again.
I remember to tell myself that there are no guarantees in life, no matter how hard we want there to be. Vows and promises can be broken and will always be tested.
The question is, can your relationship withstand the tests?
Over to you
What do you think of the suggestions given to the woman in my first story? Do you agree or disagree?
What do you think of the way I handled my own betrayal?
It’s hard to say what you would have done until you are actually in the situation, however, hypothetically speaking, what do you think you would have done in either scenario featured above?
I’d love to hear your thoughts.